Every time I tell someone I used to model they tell me I should get back into it again. Not Runway modeling, I’m only 5”6, commercial print, which is what I used to do.
As good as modeling again may sound I am not interested. To begin with I didn’t enter the world of modeling to build a career. Ever since I was a teenager I’ve wanted to be on a billboard. I know, I know, its very vain of me, but hey, that’s what I wanted. And preferably that huge billboard space on 125th street that you can see for @ least 8 blocks. But I wasn’t too picky when it came to where the billboard was, I just wanted my face on one.
When I turned 22 I made a new years resolution to get my face on a billboard. My boy Ant told me I could either pay for it or get into modeling and hope for a billboard. I took the cheaper more tasking route. For 2 years I modeled and modeled. I did free shoots, paid shoots, whatever I could get my hands on that wasn’t nude work.
Even though I was doing commercial print I still snagged some fashion jobs. I never applied for any runway jobs, height in mind always.
That first year of modeling was awesome, I was having a blast. The free clothes, food and gifts. All the cool places and people. It was amazing. But I soon learned that the further you get in that industry the more racism you encounter…….Well, brown people and Asians anyway.
Now don’t get me wrong, I’m far from weak. Life has toughened me up pretty well, but being reminded of the level of racism in the world everyday was depressing, draining and most of all defeating. Talk about being reminded of where you stand.
At first I thought it was just me, but then I started talking to the other models. It wasn't just me.
Most models put up with the BS because this is their dream career. Others deal with it by pushing it out of their heads. When that doesn’t work they drug & drink the thoughts back.
I couldn’t push it out of my head. The thoughts just festered and ate away at me. I started noticing little things more and more. And this racist outlook bled into my every day life.
I began turning down jobs. Honestly, I was getting sick of being the token black girl. I was a free agent for a while then I snagged an agency. Won’t bad mouth the agency online, but they immediately started booking me for Music Video’s. And not the sweet innocent kind. I remember being sent out for a Jay Z video shoot. I walked out when someone asked me to put on something provocative and dance on a table. Hmmm, maybe when I was 18, but not @ 23.
Long story short I quit that agency. After 2 years of modeling I decided to quit that too. I had gotten my billboard already. It was on 7th ave in NYC. I didn’t get to see it, but my friends and family did. They all called to tell me about it. I got to see my face on ads in essence, seventeen and other publications. On products in stores and book covers. Even got to be on TV a few times.
All in all I had a decent time modeling. But I’m never putting myself in that world again. It took me a year to regain a positive, not so defeated outlook on life. I have pictures from my last year of modeling and most are filled with smiles. Those are some of the fakest smiles I’ve ever shared with the world.
Bottom line: I always knew racism was out there. I understood it totally and completely, but I’d never felt it before. How lucky was I. Up until I decided to model that is.
